November is a hard month. November is the month my brother died. I am okay all through October, but when the calendar switches over and I see the word "November" on the top it makes my heart sink.
There are a lot of things that I have beaten myself up for the last 17 years for not doing before he passed. I don't imagine that I will ever stop punishing myself and feel at peace about it. But after working through my grief these long years I have learned several lessons.
Lesson #1: Your family is your family. I know sometimes we may wish for the "Brady Bunch" version instead of the "Married with Children" one but they are who they are. I may get along with them sometimes and I may not. But they are who I want to be with and have around me.
Lesson #2: It can be too late. I didn't say the words I should've, could've, and wished I had. I should've told him I loved him when I could. I was angry with him. I was hurt. I wasn't brave enough to sweep history aside and just encircle my arms around him. I tell my family now how much I love them. Every conversation with my husband, playing around with my kids, or talking to my mom and dad on the phone. I don't want to ever add to my pain of not telling Ross what an idiot I was or whatever else he needed to hear from me.
Lesson #3: You have to move forward. During my brother's sickness and passing I just gave up at home. I was so depressed and honestly I was ready to give up. It hurt so much and I began to ignore the things in my life that needed to be done. I didn't want to cook, clean, or even deal with my 2 children. I only wanted to sit at the piano and play melancholy tunes all day. I can't even remember what Thanksgiving or Christmas was like that year. I was in a dark place. But I eventually realized I had to pull it together. I had to move one foot in front of the other no matter what. I couldn't stay in that stagnant pattern. I am by no means saying you can't grieve but rather there is a time where you can't let it control or manage your life.
Lesson #4: Heavenly Father and Jesus do understand my feelings. In my darkest moments right after Ross' passing and sometimes even now, I will doubt that Heavenly Father can truly understand how I am feeling. But then I think about the things that Jesus experienced here on earth, and I am comforted that he knows exactly how I am feeling. I think of the story of Lazarus. I think of how he must have felt upon hearing of Lazurus' death. When I do that, I know he feels my pain. I know that he has experienced the same hurt and pain I have inside. I know he had the power to raise Lazurus from the dead just as God will use that power again for me and for my brother someday.
I wish I could continue, but my tears are unable to stop at this point. I am going to go have a good cry and thank my Heavenly Father for the eternal family that I have. If there is any lesson worth learning it is the one where you learn about the plan of salvation and that families are forever.
Be kind, be humble, say "I love you", and don't let those moments pass where you don't say what you should've said.
LynAnn
