November is a hard month. November is the month my brother died. I am okay all through October, but when the calendar switches over and I see the word "November" on the top it makes my heart sink.
There are a lot of things that I have beaten myself up for the last 17 years for not doing before he passed. I don't imagine that I will ever stop punishing myself and feel at peace about it. But after working through my grief these long years I have learned several lessons.
Lesson #1: Your family is your family. I know sometimes we may wish for the "Brady Bunch" version instead of the "Married with Children" one but they are who they are. I may get along with them sometimes and I may not. But they are who I want to be with and have around me.
Lesson #2: It can be too late. I didn't say the words I should've, could've, and wished I had. I should've told him I loved him when I could. I was angry with him. I was hurt. I wasn't brave enough to sweep history aside and just encircle my arms around him. I tell my family now how much I love them. Every conversation with my husband, playing around with my kids, or talking to my mom and dad on the phone. I don't want to ever add to my pain of not telling Ross what an idiot I was or whatever else he needed to hear from me.
Lesson #3: You have to move forward. During my brother's sickness and passing I just gave up at home. I was so depressed and honestly I was ready to give up. It hurt so much and I began to ignore the things in my life that needed to be done. I didn't want to cook, clean, or even deal with my 2 children. I only wanted to sit at the piano and play melancholy tunes all day. I can't even remember what Thanksgiving or Christmas was like that year. I was in a dark place. But I eventually realized I had to pull it together. I had to move one foot in front of the other no matter what. I couldn't stay in that stagnant pattern. I am by no means saying you can't grieve but rather there is a time where you can't let it control or manage your life.
Lesson #4: Heavenly Father and Jesus do understand my feelings. In my darkest moments right after Ross' passing and sometimes even now, I will doubt that Heavenly Father can truly understand how I am feeling. But then I think about the things that Jesus experienced here on earth, and I am comforted that he knows exactly how I am feeling. I think of the story of Lazarus. I think of how he must have felt upon hearing of Lazurus' death. When I do that, I know he feels my pain. I know that he has experienced the same hurt and pain I have inside. I know he had the power to raise Lazurus from the dead just as God will use that power again for me and for my brother someday.
I wish I could continue, but my tears are unable to stop at this point. I am going to go have a good cry and thank my Heavenly Father for the eternal family that I have. If there is any lesson worth learning it is the one where you learn about the plan of salvation and that families are forever.
Be kind, be humble, say "I love you", and don't let those moments pass where you don't say what you should've said.
LynAnn
Monday, November 6, 2017
Monday, October 23, 2017
Spending a Lifetime Update
We are homeschooling. We have been homeschooling since June. Our original decision was to only school the younger kids, but soon our 15 year old son wanted to also. We have kind of nicknamed our little group "Holmes School".
Most people seem amazed when I tell them we are homeschooling our 4 children. My response is that it is a lot easier than teaching 26 little third graders any day!! Hands down this has been the BEST decision ever.
I am grateful for the women/mothers in my life who I watched homeschool. My sister in law, Ann, has been the most influential. Watching her children blossom and grow under her tutelage has been an incredible example and inspiration. My other sister in law, Katrina, also homeschooled during her high school years and her decision has also been an inspiration to me. There has been an outpouring of encouragement from places I would have never expected too. People at Chris' work, our family doctor, and other families and friends.
I am so grateful that the Lord guided me through this process. He led me to different curriculum that are engaging and beautiful to teach my children from. I love how we can go deeper into our learning. We have had several opportunities to do, see, participate in things they never would've been able to before. The connections my children have been able to make to what they have been studying is exciting to be a part of.
The best thing has been the JOY I feel. I feel JOY getting up each day and guiding my children through their learning. I feel JOY when I see my children ages 15, 9, 8, and 5 playing together and having fun. I feel JOY as I work with my 5 year old who has some special needs and realize he never would've had one on one in the public school setting. I feel JOY in each of my child's successes. I feel JOY when we take a field trip and extend our lessons outside our "classroom".
I am so blessed. I am overcome with the feeling that what I am doing is the exact right choice for our family. There are hard days and easy days but mostly we have days filled with joy, learning and peace. I am so lucky to have a husband that supports this decision 100%.
Most people seem amazed when I tell them we are homeschooling our 4 children. My response is that it is a lot easier than teaching 26 little third graders any day!! Hands down this has been the BEST decision ever.
I am grateful for the women/mothers in my life who I watched homeschool. My sister in law, Ann, has been the most influential. Watching her children blossom and grow under her tutelage has been an incredible example and inspiration. My other sister in law, Katrina, also homeschooled during her high school years and her decision has also been an inspiration to me. There has been an outpouring of encouragement from places I would have never expected too. People at Chris' work, our family doctor, and other families and friends.
I am so grateful that the Lord guided me through this process. He led me to different curriculum that are engaging and beautiful to teach my children from. I love how we can go deeper into our learning. We have had several opportunities to do, see, participate in things they never would've been able to before. The connections my children have been able to make to what they have been studying is exciting to be a part of.
The best thing has been the JOY I feel. I feel JOY getting up each day and guiding my children through their learning. I feel JOY when I see my children ages 15, 9, 8, and 5 playing together and having fun. I feel JOY as I work with my 5 year old who has some special needs and realize he never would've had one on one in the public school setting. I feel JOY in each of my child's successes. I feel JOY when we take a field trip and extend our lessons outside our "classroom".
I am so blessed. I am overcome with the feeling that what I am doing is the exact right choice for our family. There are hard days and easy days but mostly we have days filled with joy, learning and peace. I am so lucky to have a husband that supports this decision 100%.
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Spending a Lifetime Decision #2
Things have been quite busy. I am back to work, our family was hit by an awful viral flu, and we have been trying to make decisions about our future.
We have decided that we would like to pull our kids out and school them at home starting this fall. When we looked at what we wanted for our family, we realized that we can accomplish much more if we keep them home and work together. It has been very enlightening to be a elementary school teacher this past year, and I have learned a lot. After seeing the inner workings, I have a new respect for public school employees. They work extremely hard. But I discovered two things: it is not for my children and it is not for me.
After a lot of prayer and pondering, I really have felt impressed that this is the right direction for my children. After a classroom of 26 children, I can now focus my efforts on only 3. That feels pretty amazing to be able dedicate my time to their learning and being a forever family.
This choice is right for us. I know it will help us raise our family and give them exactly what they need. I know we will be blessed and that feels pretty awesome.
We have decided that we would like to pull our kids out and school them at home starting this fall. When we looked at what we wanted for our family, we realized that we can accomplish much more if we keep them home and work together. It has been very enlightening to be a elementary school teacher this past year, and I have learned a lot. After seeing the inner workings, I have a new respect for public school employees. They work extremely hard. But I discovered two things: it is not for my children and it is not for me.
After a lot of prayer and pondering, I really have felt impressed that this is the right direction for my children. After a classroom of 26 children, I can now focus my efforts on only 3. That feels pretty amazing to be able dedicate my time to their learning and being a forever family.
This choice is right for us. I know it will help us raise our family and give them exactly what they need. I know we will be blessed and that feels pretty awesome.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Spending a Lifetime Decision #1
Today will be my post op appointment and I am pretty sure it will all go well. Not expecting to hear anything scary, only that healing is going well and I can return to work.
So I made my first decision in shifting my life from "working for a lifetime" to "spending a lifetime". That is to not return to full time teaching in the Fall. I enjoy teaching, but the environment of a public school just isn't for me. I may do substituting or find something part time. I may even go back to finish my masters degree, who knows?
The biggest reason I have chosen to not return is so I can be with my family. It has been quite difficult to have me working days (and nights) and Chris working nights (and days). We are not accomplishing the goals we want for our family. Yes, it is nice to have a second income, but we have found that having a second income is causing more problems than it is solving.
Other reasons for not be returning include the possibility of my MIL moving in within the next few months and also homeschooling our kiddo's (but that's another decision I will talk about soon).
A big thank you to all those who have offered prayers, good thoughts, and reached out during the past few weeks. It has supported us through such a scary time. I may go forward with the genetic counseling and may be opting to have the double mastectomy to prevent any further recurrences.
XOXO, LynAnn
So I made my first decision in shifting my life from "working for a lifetime" to "spending a lifetime". That is to not return to full time teaching in the Fall. I enjoy teaching, but the environment of a public school just isn't for me. I may do substituting or find something part time. I may even go back to finish my masters degree, who knows?
The biggest reason I have chosen to not return is so I can be with my family. It has been quite difficult to have me working days (and nights) and Chris working nights (and days). We are not accomplishing the goals we want for our family. Yes, it is nice to have a second income, but we have found that having a second income is causing more problems than it is solving.
Other reasons for not be returning include the possibility of my MIL moving in within the next few months and also homeschooling our kiddo's (but that's another decision I will talk about soon).
A big thank you to all those who have offered prayers, good thoughts, and reached out during the past few weeks. It has supported us through such a scary time. I may go forward with the genetic counseling and may be opting to have the double mastectomy to prevent any further recurrences.
XOXO, LynAnn
Friday, January 27, 2017
Working a lifetime VS Spending a lifetime
We all have those times in our lives where certain trials or tribulations induce you to take stock of your current situation. Sometimes while suffering in the trenches we may have an epiphany and will finally make significant, impacting choices. For me, this is how I usually figure out what to do while in the storm. Never before have I experienced the aura before all hell breaks loose.
Recently, while my husband was working a mandatory Saturday night shift, I found myself looking for something to watch on Netflix. I stumbled upon a documentary about minimalism. Many of you may already know I am pretty organized and could even be called a bit OCD. At one point of the film a gentleman said "are you working for a lifetime or spending a lifetime?". I paused, replayed and wrote down his words. The statement resonated through my body and soul and at that moment I grabbed a notebook of my nightstand and made two columns. On one side I wrote "working for a lifetime" and on the other "spending a lifetime". By 1:30am, I had compiled 2 columned pages and several goals for myself and the next steps I would take to achieve them. I really had to ask myself some hard questions about what "I" wanted out of my own life, and not just "what is good for my family....". (That is hard for me to put me first). This week the purpose of these guiding thoughts made itself known. I am facing several big battles at once, some good and some bad.
Usually every year in October (my birth month) I go in for my mammogram. This past October, with a new job and stresses, I decided to postpone. I told myself that mine was fine last year so I could just wait till next year. By Thanksgiving week, I realized there was something not right with my breast. I called the breast clinic and made my appointment for the Christmas break. Not long after the appointment I was asked to make another appointment for a complete diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound, so I made one in February. While visiting with my PCP, she insisted that I was already under enough stress and why add this terrible wait to it. She called the clinic and had them bump it up to today.
You may or may not know that my mother is a breast cancer survivor, TWICE! She lost her 1st breast when I was still in high school. She had been very lucky because a form letter came from their medical plan one day encouraging women over 50 to have a mammogram. My mom decided this was a good idea and called the number. The 1st appointment was 2 months OUT! But my mom had no symptoms or indication of anything being wrong. When she finally got in, cancer was found in her milk ducts and into her lymph nodes. My mother courageously endured surgery to remove her breast and lymph nodes. They refused her request to remove the other breast. She went through chemotherapy and taught me that it was my responsibility to be aware of my breast health, especially after my grandmother was diagnosed in her 80's with breast cancer. My mom about 4 years ago at the age of 79 was finally able to get her other breast removed, when they found 3-4 new spots of cancer beginning to grow.
Today it was determined that I need a biopsy. Could be benign but lets know for sure, right?
In those moments as I walked out to my van today, holding back tears till I was safely inside, it became abundantly clear why I need to "spend a lifetime".
As time progresses, I will be implementing the small, attainable goals (thank you woodbadge) that I made for myself a few weeks ago. I know that these goals will put me where I TRULY would like to be. I hope by doing these things step by step that it will become permanent and meaningful. I know that I want a life that was well spent and as purposeful as can be.
Prayers are always appreciated as my family navigates this and other burdens recently put upon us. It has been a week of doom and gloom, but I am confident that my loving family and I will get through it.
Happy thoughts :)
Recently, while my husband was working a mandatory Saturday night shift, I found myself looking for something to watch on Netflix. I stumbled upon a documentary about minimalism. Many of you may already know I am pretty organized and could even be called a bit OCD. At one point of the film a gentleman said "are you working for a lifetime or spending a lifetime?". I paused, replayed and wrote down his words. The statement resonated through my body and soul and at that moment I grabbed a notebook of my nightstand and made two columns. On one side I wrote "working for a lifetime" and on the other "spending a lifetime". By 1:30am, I had compiled 2 columned pages and several goals for myself and the next steps I would take to achieve them. I really had to ask myself some hard questions about what "I" wanted out of my own life, and not just "what is good for my family....". (That is hard for me to put me first). This week the purpose of these guiding thoughts made itself known. I am facing several big battles at once, some good and some bad.
Usually every year in October (my birth month) I go in for my mammogram. This past October, with a new job and stresses, I decided to postpone. I told myself that mine was fine last year so I could just wait till next year. By Thanksgiving week, I realized there was something not right with my breast. I called the breast clinic and made my appointment for the Christmas break. Not long after the appointment I was asked to make another appointment for a complete diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound, so I made one in February. While visiting with my PCP, she insisted that I was already under enough stress and why add this terrible wait to it. She called the clinic and had them bump it up to today.
You may or may not know that my mother is a breast cancer survivor, TWICE! She lost her 1st breast when I was still in high school. She had been very lucky because a form letter came from their medical plan one day encouraging women over 50 to have a mammogram. My mom decided this was a good idea and called the number. The 1st appointment was 2 months OUT! But my mom had no symptoms or indication of anything being wrong. When she finally got in, cancer was found in her milk ducts and into her lymph nodes. My mother courageously endured surgery to remove her breast and lymph nodes. They refused her request to remove the other breast. She went through chemotherapy and taught me that it was my responsibility to be aware of my breast health, especially after my grandmother was diagnosed in her 80's with breast cancer. My mom about 4 years ago at the age of 79 was finally able to get her other breast removed, when they found 3-4 new spots of cancer beginning to grow.
Today it was determined that I need a biopsy. Could be benign but lets know for sure, right?
In those moments as I walked out to my van today, holding back tears till I was safely inside, it became abundantly clear why I need to "spend a lifetime".
As time progresses, I will be implementing the small, attainable goals (thank you woodbadge) that I made for myself a few weeks ago. I know that these goals will put me where I TRULY would like to be. I hope by doing these things step by step that it will become permanent and meaningful. I know that I want a life that was well spent and as purposeful as can be.
Prayers are always appreciated as my family navigates this and other burdens recently put upon us. It has been a week of doom and gloom, but I am confident that my loving family and I will get through it.
Happy thoughts :)
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