We all have those times in our lives where certain trials or tribulations induce you to take stock of your current situation. Sometimes while suffering in the trenches we may have an epiphany and will finally make significant, impacting choices. For me, this is how I usually figure out what to do while in the storm. Never before have I experienced the aura before all hell breaks loose.
Recently, while my husband was working a mandatory Saturday night shift, I found myself looking for something to watch on Netflix. I stumbled upon a documentary about minimalism. Many of you may already know I am pretty organized and could even be called a bit OCD. At one point of the film a gentleman said "are you working for a lifetime or spending a lifetime?". I paused, replayed and wrote down his words. The statement resonated through my body and soul and at that moment I grabbed a notebook of my nightstand and made two columns. On one side I wrote "working for a lifetime" and on the other "spending a lifetime". By 1:30am, I had compiled 2 columned pages and several goals for myself and the next steps I would take to achieve them. I really had to ask myself some hard questions about what "I" wanted out of my own life, and not just "what is good for my family....". (That is hard for me to put me first). This week the purpose of these guiding thoughts made itself known. I am facing several big battles at once, some good and some bad.
Usually every year in October (my birth month) I go in for my mammogram. This past October, with a new job and stresses, I decided to postpone. I told myself that mine was fine last year so I could just wait till next year. By Thanksgiving week, I realized there was something not right with my breast. I called the breast clinic and made my appointment for the Christmas break. Not long after the appointment I was asked to make another appointment for a complete diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound, so I made one in February. While visiting with my PCP, she insisted that I was already under enough stress and why add this terrible wait to it. She called the clinic and had them bump it up to today.
You may or may not know that my mother is a breast cancer survivor, TWICE! She lost her 1st breast when I was still in high school. She had been very lucky because a form letter came from their medical plan one day encouraging women over 50 to have a mammogram. My mom decided this was a good idea and called the number. The 1st appointment was 2 months OUT! But my mom had no symptoms or indication of anything being wrong. When she finally got in, cancer was found in her milk ducts and into her lymph nodes. My mother courageously endured surgery to remove her breast and lymph nodes. They refused her request to remove the other breast. She went through chemotherapy and taught me that it was my responsibility to be aware of my breast health, especially after my grandmother was diagnosed in her 80's with breast cancer. My mom about 4 years ago at the age of 79 was finally able to get her other breast removed, when they found 3-4 new spots of cancer beginning to grow.
Today it was determined that I need a biopsy. Could be benign but lets know for sure, right?
In those moments as I walked out to my van today, holding back tears till I was safely inside, it became abundantly clear why I need to "spend a lifetime".
As time progresses, I will be implementing the small, attainable goals (thank you woodbadge) that I made for myself a few weeks ago. I know that these goals will put me where I TRULY would like to be. I hope by doing these things step by step that it will become permanent and meaningful. I know that I want a life that was well spent and as purposeful as can be.
Prayers are always appreciated as my family navigates this and other burdens recently put upon us. It has been a week of doom and gloom, but I am confident that my loving family and I will get through it.
Happy thoughts :)
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